supergoddess writes

I think I know how my next boyfriend would be like.
He would be mestizo or chinito. He would have these pair of amazing eyes, brown, not black.

He can speak different languages. Or play my imagination on different levels.

He would hold my hand all the time. And I would always feel safe with him.

He can play the guitar and piano. And violin would be nice.

He loves to sing, because i find him sensual that way.

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Nah, dreams are unreal. And besides, I don’t think this guy exists. Well if you do, humabol na sa Valentine’s. hehe. Just kidding.

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Nababaliw na ko due to information overload. Masyado nang tumatatak sa utak ko yung Eleven Minutes. Though I still haven’t finished reading it, I learned so many things regarding *bleep*. Uy, sensitive. but really, I think there’s a MARIA in all of us. We tend to love pain because some people may say that it could lead to pleasure, but as Ralf Hart said, it doesn’t. We discover the pain because we want to struggle out of it and for such noble things, and that’s because of love.

A friend once said that I was a semi-masochist. Ewan ko kung totoo. Maybe before, but not to the extent that I would cut my wrist to hurt myself. But I guess, instead of hurting other people, I would just resort to hurting myself. That I would remind myself every waking moment of the things that happened. And by them, I could contemplate the wrong things I’ve done. Actually, I hate it when I still regret the things in the past. That instead of moving on, I would just move forward, but not the memories, and that forever haunts me.

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Nalaman ko din na “Mean Girl” pala ko. But I think I’m doing myself and this guy a favor by not investing in a relationship. I thought it wouldn’t matter to me, but I expected too much. I got scared of the people around me, of the people who know me. Hindi naman ako materialistic, but I think I’ve changed to seeing reality my own way. So because of guilt, I went to church today and asked God to just take the situation out of my hands. I asked Him to decide on what should happen. And I would gladly accept whatever His will is.

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Waah! I wanna watch CLOSE TO YOU. I don’t care if I’m seen watching the movie. I’m just so in awe seeing SAM MILBY. Lakas ng impact. I would trade places with Toni Gonzaga if I could have a chance. hehe. Lucky gal that Toni!

I had my much needed rest this afternoon. I mean, yesterday afternoon. Since pur house in Nova doesn’t have a computer nor a phone line, I didn’t have the urge to bug someone.Ayoko na magpuyat. Pero OL pa din ako. Labo. Kasi Ria the red-nosed petite ako ngayon. I have to zap this zit already. Even tried Panoxyl but didn’t work that much, maybe I need to re-apply more. And I hope it wouldn’t ruin my skin.

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May namimiss akong kausap sa fone. Haay, tapos na kasi unlimited ko. Should have texted you first. Wala lang. I had to tell you something. Nakakainis. iba na talaga pag “Instructor” na. Bigatin na.hehehe.

Crap, my tummy hurts. I’m hungry again. Pero since I’m trying to lose weight, I’m eating lesser and sweating with the exercise videos I borrowed from a friend. My dad even caught me doing those exercises. Dyahe talaga! Pero totoo pala yung mga exercise videos na may mga nagrereact pa sa likod pag cool yung exercise. They’re so funny. (^____^)

gotta go. Too much space wasted. I wish this downloading stuff would finish ASAP.

And I’m gonna try sleeping for once!

RIA noun. mean. stupid. big mistake

There, I just defined myself. I can’t believe that I would feel this way again. I blew everything up. I can’t make friends without hurting them in the end. And at the end, I’d end up feeling sorry for myself for not doing the right things.

Im not sure if this would sound right, but it’s better to end something that wouldn’t work. I’ve seen this before that’s why I believe its gonna end eventually.

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A friend once told me, "You yield to things which might bring colors to your life". I’m afraid its already happening. I’m not being giddy at fun anymore. I refuse to go out. I make dozens of excuses (but really, most of them are true anyway.), adnd I’m always setting a schedule for myself or for schoolworks. But the truth is, it sucks to feel so alone. And being alone. Its not nice just being in front of the computer screen every night. And meeting different people knowing that they’re real but at the end of it, you would ask, how long would they really be there?

I can’t be real anymore. Nothingness is. crap, I gotta get to sleep.

I’m bored

I havent had class for two days now. And my money’s not adding up so I had to resort to waking at midnight just so I could have unlimited access to the Internet. And besides, our fone wouldn’t ring if I’m connected. My mom would kill me if I missed an important call.

Good thing Bezzie went here this afternoon. She didn’t bring Googoo though. And when were finally done with the chatting and checking her friendster and other internet stuffage, I walked her home. Googoo was very excited to see her mom. She was so cute with dancing too, I wish I have a kid too, but not now. I have to graduate first, have a job, get a stable salary. And not welcome unemployment. Or if all else fail, I’ll marry rich. Nah,just kidding.

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Something with the President’s security is happening now. And it involves the Oakwood Mutiny soldiers. My dad says the soldiers are already killed, but again, it is his hunch. He doesn’t believe in PGMA kasi. But I think security should be followed well. And I still think it’s stupid that we are afraid of our own countrymen. Some people sure has different values.

And I’m saying this because I’m a peace lover. In a would-be profession where you are in one with pursuing the truth and giving out infos for people, its a big deal to be balanced with all the judgements. After all, everyone’s the same. It’s just a matter of choice.

BTW, a guy asked me what my course is. I said JOURNALISM. And then he asked me a stupid request.

"sige nga, gawan mo nga ko ng poem"

I was pissed then told him

"JOURN po ako hindi literature"

Guys, when you’re pretending to be so cool, don’t be such a know-it-all. It just shows your weak sides. Sheez..

So I guess he was embarrassed so he asked,

"meron ka na bang na-interview?"

So I thought this guy is full of himself. Please, just don’t try to be like him. I’m saying this for your own good.

*Number one, nasa USTe ako. Does he think I’d waste my 4 years sitting around looking for inspiration? He really doesn’t know journalism.

Second, a current senior student wants herself to be published. Not just in school papers, but also in a nationwide paper. It is a longing if youre into writing. It actually gives a sense of fulfillment. Also, you cannot pass the whole thing without having internship. I may be writing inside the Times office without so much legwork, but they’re published and were given bylines. And it’s good to write there. =)

And third, most of our articles are non-fiction. We would sometimes write imaginary-based stories but it’s in the real stories were focusing on.

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Im still not done with Mela’s "11 Minutes" book. I’m hoping to finish it tomorrow. It’s a good book actually. Its kinky with all the stuff about sex but it’s good. And it’s not porn. It’s just a matter of leveling your mind into other ideas. About desire, and about love.

And although I haven’t experienced it yet, I know time will come that my first would be the best one I ever had. A friend once said that I should be "oriented" with it. (and cmon, he’s a guy) He insisted on making me ask questions about making love and all. So I decline his offer and brushed him off. I don’t know if we should really be oriented, but I think it’s silly. It shouldn’t require great moves and all. And I believe that once 2 bodies and souls unite, you’d be better with it. Forget Kamasutras and those stuff. Some people have great relationships just by being too much in love with each other.

I’m not sensual. I just think this way. And since I’m still focusing on major goals (to graduate, to have a job as a writer or photojournalist, and be stable with my life) I don’t need it yet. I’m contented with kisses and a whole lot of hugging for now because when that time comes, I want to feel so free. As if nothing in the world matters at that very moment..=)

The past few days have been very stressful for me. And I still can’t stop thinking about all those frenzies.

I went to Shang’s house last Sunday to celebrate Sto. Nino’s Fiesta. I was expecting, like, at least 10 XZENOs there but I ended up being disappointed.

To add being badtrip, I like, walked from North Bay to Shang’s place because traffic was very terrible and no matter how much scrimping the driver could make, he’s just wasting his time for no vehicles are moving.

When I went there, only Eden and Jeisen were actually the Xzeno visitors Shang has. No Marian, Jeng,Jen,Jhile, and some people who promised to be there. And still, no Jayson. Actually, that part was when I really got disappointe..XD

So anyway, Eden and I fetched Ann at her house. I was hoping to go home at 3pm but got delayed since Jen said she’d be at Shang’s. 3pm came, and still, NO JEN.

And then, someone finally went in.

Okay, I’m being a drama queen again, but I felt so kilig when he stepped into Shang’s house. Maybe because I haven’t seen him for years. The last time must be Eden’s birthday 2 years ago. And since we both didn’t go to Shang’s birthday last year, it’s been too long since we haven’t spent time with one another.

Jayson is Shang’s cousin. I have a huge liking for him. You know the feeling when someone calls you and you get all tangled up because his voice would already cause you thrills? That’s what I always felt. And although I’ve TRIED giving up, he’s one of my friends, I can’t shut him out of my life. Like when he called last Christmas, I thought nothing could ever bring back my feelings for him. I guess I was so WRONG!

He was all dressed-up and saw that he looked really good. I would’ve controlled my feelings but I felt that kilig in that instant. I wish I didn’t, though.

First things first, he said hi. I said hi back. But was suppressing everything inside me. I don’t really know what to do but he didnt sat beside me first. Eden gave way. It was cute actually.And pictures, of course we took pictures! Why wouldn’t we right?

Then it was already 6:30 pm so I really have to go because my Lola’s alone at our house. He said he’d walk me to the jeepney stop. Ok, slower Ria. He said ihahatid niya ko. I asked him if were going to ride in one of the pedicabs. Then asked him if he usually rides one whenever he goes to Shang’s place. He said he just walks. So to make it longer for me to be with him, I insisted we just walk even though my feet were already aching because of walking earlier. Chika, Chismis and other stuffage. Fireworks. And fireworks in my heart.

THE END

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The end because I feel as if it wouldn’t go far. WHY?

He doesn’t like me, period.

Or if he does, I can’t really feel it. Maybe I’m just feeling that giddy because I haven’t felt mushy and kilig for nine long months. I’m not saying I need someone who would care for me, but if there could actually be one, I hope he comes now. I can’t help feeling alone everyday.

As for this guy, I don’t really know what’ll happen next. Tama yung testimonial ni Meri. Ako ang babaeng kinikilig. But it stops there. I even made our picture my fone’s wallpaper. I’m nuts. And I need saving from my insanity.

Were friends, I know, but I can’t stop thinking of you.
I can’t shut my eyes without dreaming of that day
And I can’t focus because all that’s been running in my mind are thoughts of you.
And I feel as if I’m only kidding myself
Because I’m the only one who can feel it.

Tama ba ko? Totoo naman diba? Wawa naman ako.

^^sigh^^

Oh diba? Were so bagay? I don’t know if you’ll agree though..

Ann, Eden and I… Xzeno definitely rocks!

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Hope you read this one of these days.

And I hope you wouldn’t realize this when I’m already over you.

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We watched this movie yesterday. It was star-studded. Great Movie! Thanks pala to Mela and her family. I hade a blast

The FAmily Stone

I made this title because now, were gonna be able to go back to our boring lives now that thesis is finally over and is pending for defense. I can’t believe that thesis-writing days are through. As Brent and I walked to Recto this evening for him to escape the traffic that’s been building out in Quiapo, I asked him to carry LAPPIE because it’s getiing heavier every minute. And then he answered:

"IKAW NA MAGBUHAT NIYAN. TAPOS NA YUNG THESIS EH. BAHALA KA NA DYAN"

And of course, I rolled my eyes (if you know what I mean!) and told him how big of a user he is, that after he used Lappie in thesis and non-thesis days, he would do that to me and to beloved laptop.

But you know I’m just overly dramatic.

Same goes for our acknowledgement for thesis. Though we don’t really said super mushy words, it goes without saying how much we thank Sir Jeff, Sir Jere, Mam Arriola and other people who worked with us and imbibed (kamusta naman!) our knowledge in thesis making.

Drama Queen ikaw ba yan?

But really, I’m so glad I could concentrate on major subjects and all.

And hopefully sa blog ko.

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Oh wait, love this song..

Lagi na lang umuulan
parang walang katapusan
tulad ng paghihirap ko ngayon
parang walang humpay
Sa kabila ng lahat ng aking pagsisikap
na limutin ka
ay di pa rin magawa
Hindi naman ako tanga
alam ko na wala ka na
pero mahirap lang na tanggapin
di na kita kapiling
iniwan mo akong nagiisa
sa gitna ng dilim at basang-basa pa sa ulan
Pero hwag mag-alala
di na kita gagambalain
Alam ko naman ngayon may kapiling ka nang iba
Tanging hiling ko sa’yo
na tuwing umuulan
maalala mo sanang may nagmamahal sayo…..
Lagi na lang umuulan
parang walang katapusan
tulad ng paghihirap ko ngayon
parang walang humpay
Iniwan mo akong nagiisa
sa gitna ng dilim at basang-basa pa sa ulan
Pero hwag magalala
di na kita gagambalain
alam ko naman ngayon
may kapiling ka nang iba
Tanging hiling ko sa’yo
na tuwing umuulan
maalala mo sanang may nagmamahal sayo….ako
LaLaLaLaLaLa……….

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But no, it isn’t really for me. Though I’m agonizing the fact that I’m loveless (And the possibility that I might be alone this Valentine’s, just when I promised myself that I would bring someone special this Lovapaloooza ths year!) I have already moved on to my past relationships and I wish them all well.(I guess..joke!)

Gotta go finish other Internet stuffage.

(^_____________^)